Atheist Parenting - The Proof is in the Pudding

I am in the midst of a personal conversion.

Don't worry. I haven't "found" religion. However, I have stumbled on a book that is forcing me to reassess the way I parent my kids. Well .... "stumbled on" is an inaccurate way to describe it. My wife read the book several years ago. She has mentioned it occasionally and has incorporated some of its suggestions, but certainly not all of them. In any event, the book recently came to my attention again when some friends of ours (the parents of our oldest son's best friend) loaned it to us and urged me to read it. I should add at this point that there is much that this couple believe in (such as alternative medicine and refusing to innoculate their children) that I think is ridiculous - and I don't hesitate to tell them so. However, I have always been impressed at their skill at parenting and how remarkably well-adjusted their children are. As they say, the proof is in the pudding.

The book I am referring to is Barbara Coloroso's "kids are worth it!". If you love your kids and want them to be happy, well-adjusted adults, I urge you to read this. It will fundamentally challenge some, and perhaps many, things that you have always taken for granted. Best of all - it makes perfect sense.

I like this book so much that I am writing this before I even finish reading it. The basic gist of Coloroso's thesis is that we should neither reward children for good behavior nor punish them for bad behavior. What? Many of you might be thinking this is a recipe for insanity. However, if you give it some thought, it makes perfect sense. Why do we want our children to be good? Certainly not just for the promise of a reward (i.e. see Christianity). We want them to be good for goodness' sake so we should encourage them to be good, not bribe them to be good or reward them for having done good. Similarly, it makes no sense to punish children for bad behavior (see my post on Michael Vick and the mirage of free will). Instead, we need to impose discipline and, as Coloroso says, "contrary to popular belief, discipline is not synonymous with punishment".

Discipline: 1. shows kids what they have done; 2. gives them ownership of the problem; 3. gives them options for solving the problem; and 4. leaves their dignity intact.

I love how Coloroso describes how all of the world's major religious faiths promulgate a version of the Golden Rule. She then applies that same tenet to parenting: "If we are not sure whether what we are doing with our children is right, we need only put ourselves in their place and ask would we want it done to us - not was it done to us, but would we want it done to us?"

Coloroso is not advocating laissez-faire parenting, which she calls the "jellyfish" approach. However, she is rejecting the traditional "brick-wall" approach in favor of the parents providing a backbone to enable their children to flourish. At risk of being nailed for copyright infringement, I will set out her ingredients for establishing the proper backbone:

1. Send the right life messages to your kids every day: a. I believe in you; b. I trust you; c. I know you can handle life situations; d. you are listened to; e. you are cared for; and f. you are very important to me.

2. Democracy is learned through experience. As children grow in responsibility and decision-making abilities, their opportunities for both should be increased.

3. Create an environment that is conducive to creative, constructive and responsible activity.

4. State rules simply and clearly.

5. Consequences for irresponsible behavior should be natural and reasonable.

6. Discipline should be handled with authority that gives life to children's learning (see the four points above).

7. Motivate and encourage kids to be all they can be.

8. Give your kids lots of hugs, smile and humor.

9. Give kids second opportunities.

10. Instil kids with a strong sense of self-awareness by being empathetic and emotionally available to them.

11. Competency and cooperation should be modeled and encouraged.

12. Love is unconditional.

13. CHILDREN ARE TAUGHT HOW TO THINK - NOT WHAT TO THINK [my emphasis]

14. Daily reinforcement of self-esteem to buffer kids from the problems of sexual promiscuity, drug abuse and suicide. Basically, we want our kids to like themselves, think for themselves and adopt the attitude that there is no problem so great that it can't be solved.

15. Be willing to seek help if it is required from professionals, elders, other parents, etc. After all, even if you have a successful game plan for parenting (and I am convinced that Coloroso has provided one) you still need to execute.

I often remark at how strange it is that people have almost unrestricted freedom to parent their children as they please and yet require a drivers license to operate a motor vehicle. I would have no difficulty whatsoever if new parents were required to read "kids are worth it" (or have it read to them) before leaving the hospital with their newborn(s).

P.S. I am also reading "Curious Minds - How A Child Becomes A Scientist" which is a fascinating collection of essays from 27 of some of the world's most interesting scientists which describe the events in their childhoods that set them on their chosen career paths. It's a great complement to Coloroso's work.


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